It has been a bit since I’ve posted. A few people have asked me how it felt to finish posting Penny’s Cancerland essays. A couple have asked if I planned to post anything more. I’ve not given a very direct answer to any of these queries.
My last post was in mid-April, just as the semester was winding down and I was getting ready for a trip to the Dominican Republic. I returned from that trip just in time for graduation, and then immediately launched a new online course that kept me too busy to spend time on a blog in May and June.
I’ve been deferring a number of activities and decisions “until July”, which really meant until grades had been submitted and I had the first pause in my academic schedule since last September.
One of the items on that list is this blog.
Another is dealing with Penny’s things.
Yesterday, these came together.
The first things I dealt with last August were the boxes and boxes of medical supplies that had accumulated during Penny’s treatment, and especially during hospice. Fortunately, a friend offered to help and found an organization that could take them and put them to good use. I doubt she realized when she offered that it would take multiple trips just to transport everything away, but she didn’t rescind the offer.
Most of Penny’s clothing found new homes last fall. It was clear I wasn’t going to be able to use them, and I was happy to find new homes for them among family and friends who were similar in size and style. It was a relatively easy and safe way for me to begin the process.
Over Christmas the kids went through some of the jewelry, art supplies, and a few other special things, but most of the rest remained largely untouched while I dealt with the day-to-day.
By last summer, Penny was no longer healthy enough to pack up her Calvin office, so her colleagues packed up her things and brought them in boxes. There were a few things Penny was interested in having us help her locate, but mostly the boxes sat in the garage for awhile until we moved them to the house, where they have they have been waiting for me ever since.
We stacked them in the home office until I broke ribs last October and needed access to the hospital bed that was also in that room. My son hastily moved them to a different room so I could shuffle to and from the bed without causing further injury. After I had recovered, we moved them back – even more helter skelter than before.
Over the last ten days or so, as time has allowed, I’ve begun the process of opening boxes and bags and drawers and closets. Some of the things I’ve found were expected. I knew I would find many journals and calendars that Penny had kept over the years. I dedicated a shelf on a book case for these, and each time I found one I added it to the shelf.
I knew I would find supplies for making cards. I didn’t realize just how many different pens, markers, pencils, paper, cardstock, envelopes, tape, glue, etc. I would would discover. I also didn’t realize how many cards that she received had been saved (in several stashes, or sometimes tucked in amongst other things). These have all be collected into one of her fancy boxes for safe keeping.
Then last night I came across a stack of folders. Inside the folders were things she had written. In a green folder was an essay entitled God from Stage IV. Tonight I did some digging on a hard drive to see if I could locate the source file. It appears that Cancerland was volume 1 of a planned three-volume collection of essays. I’ve even found the tables of contents for volumes 2 and 3:
Volume 1: Cancerland
Volume 2: God from Stage IV
- life from Stage IV
- the chief end of man
- not a hair from your head
- about prayer
- control and influence
- wrangling hope
- a response to Kate Bowler
- anger and lament
- the God of loose ends
- exit stage right
Volume 3: Life is too short for bad shoes, and other things I’ve learned while dying
- life in ALL CAPS
- purple ink
- 100 units of time
- de-skunking the dog
- those stupid hummingbird feeders
- red shoes
- my favorite annoying sayings
- impatiens, tulips, hostas, and dandelions
- this is your brain on cancer
- Dr. Strange
- one of these things doesn’t belong
I haven’t been able to find these essays, unfortunately. And I don’t know whether they were written or only planned. To add to the puzzle, the printed version in the green folder has two sections with titles God is dead and Living on borrowed time. Neither of these is in the table of contents, but a version of the first part of God is dead appears to be an introduction to Volume 2 in the document with the tables of contents.
So I’ll do a bit more digging, and likely there will be at least one or two more posts with Penny’s writing coming – perhaps more if I’m able to locate more.